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So often and very recently I see and hear people’s reaction to someone taking their own life and I thought I needed to share my knowledge of it, so you may better understand it, judge it kindlier and realize that there was nothing more for you to do.


Having lived through being suicidal and having gotten to the other side alive, like so many haven’t; I thought maybe I could shed some light to all that cannot fathom it, and have been deeply hurt by someone’s choice. I can only speak from my experience, but I’m sure that it’s similar to many.

Until I got fixed a little over twelve years ago, I had no idea how undamaged people experienced life. All of my life when people were shocked that someone committed suicide I was surprised that it wasn’t more popular. When I was healed, one of the early amazements was to feel how the rest of you (and now me as I choose) react to and deflect everything happening around us.

   When something happens to me or around me now, it only lands on my shoulders, I can analyze it, brush it off or deal with it, but I don’t have to own it. Before that, I felt everything and had to wear it, and live it. It felt like a two foot opening in the middle of my chest that couldn’t ever scab over. To experience it; it felt as real as concrete and only grew larger and more active and oozing with time. For the longest time, you are amazed that no one else can see it, or see you suffering and help you. because you can see it in others and help them the best that you can.

    But now that I know how life effects the healthy, please know that there is no way that you could have any clue of what one of us is going through: let alone fix us. It’s like another language or living on another planet, the experience is just not available to your comprehension. And yes we appreciated all of your efforts and love.

   It doesn’t start out suicidal, but more like an unknown desperation, getting dragged into various levels of consciousness’ (or maybe the opposite) where functioning gets inhibited and later, impending death. right around the corner. Fun, love and happiness are the only things that give you relief, but when they are not available, there it is again, but more.

   I spent more than 20 years actively trying to fix me, I read so many books, talked to so many so called experts, even tried dianetics, I knew more about mental health or lack of, than the people that you can hire to try to help you. I even had to talk my 3 session therapist off the ledge. Luckily I was always able to separate my mind and my body from me and try to reason or at least understand what was happening and learn to function around it.

   The mental health care/system is a joke and though they love to diagnose and prescribe drugs they still have not learned to cure anything. Though I chose self-medication, I’ve spoken to many of patients and healthcare professionals and the bottom line is that they medicate you and re medicate you until you forget the “you” that you were trying to be all along. It’s like having a leaky roof and putting a tarp on the attic floor, it won’t be long until the water finds its way to seep in, as with a mind that’s giving bad information, if you can’t fix it, medicating a malfunctioning mind is a Band-Aid on a gushing wound. (If something is working for you, please stick with it, use the best tools that you can find.)

Apparently, my mental problem was a suppressed childhood memory of a molestation or hell it could have been from another lifetime, all that I know for sure is that it was living in me and trying to take over, both physically and mentally. I’ve spent hundreds of hours in front of a mirror staring past my eyes calling these demons out, thinking if I could remember what had happen it would hold no power on me anymore. It never happened but the closer it seemed to come the more I felt like I was dying.

   So every album was my last album, I lived on 3 hours of sleep for over 15 years trying to get everything done and be successful before I died and I still wasn’t suicidal yet.

   These demons are sneaky and persistent, and so is suicide. I never once said I want to commit suicide, in fact it snuck in as passing thoughts; just as nothing as, “oh, the grass is getting long, I’ll have to cut when I get done work” or, “almost out of milk, better get some” But these thoughts were, “I better box up everything so no one has a mess to clean up when they find me,” and “everyone will understand and they’ll be fine” and then twenty minutes later your saying “WTF was that? Why am I having these thoughts?” They weren’t mine, but they were real. (I was freaking!) I went to an old girlfriend and told her what was going on and asked her to keep me for a couple days and not to let them lock me up; which she did.

    When I left, I was feeling back in control and I remembered hearing,” people that talk about killing themselves never do it”, so I started telling some close friends what I was going through, hoping to stave off the demons. Well that didn’t work.

    I was working on some music one night, sitting at the piano, when this beautiful song came through me like someone else was playing it and singing it, about how I loved everyone and not to take my suicide as a sadness or worry that they could have prevented it. I couldn’t stop it, it was just coming through me, as I sat there crying and playing and singing this beautiful death sentence. Suicide had crept into my last safe place and taken over.

   I just gave in to it; not to attempt to kill myself, but that it was inevitable. When I did, calmness took over the frantic fear of trying to escape it. And this space just felt like the natural destination for everything that I’ve been going through all of my life; all fear was gone.

   I gave myself permission to kill myself, “but not today”. That was one hell of a tool for getting through and tolerating many years of torturous and debilitating sessions with these demons. It also gave me the calmness to separate me from these suicidal thoughts and learn how to function around them the best that I could.

   Now, during this time, I still smiled every chance I got, ran my construction business, wrote recorded and performed with D.C. & Co. and loved everybody the best I was capable of at the time. Only a select few ever knew that I was struggling.

   But, demons are relentless; when one thing isn’t working they step up their game on another weakness. They attack your sleep, waking up going through the semantics of being a toddler being molested every night became the norm. I couldn’t drink these demons away, but I could drink till I allowed myself to be susceptible to their nightly torture. During this time there was a continuous internal shaking going on, I would get hyper sensitive to noise, I would have spells where the ringing in my ears would get so loud that you couldn’t turn the volume of the tv past it. My eyes would sink back into blacken wholes and I couldn’t leave the house for days.

   I always had an open relationship and conversation with God, Jesus, the universe, whoever is in charge and as things regressed and passing as a functional human was becoming less possible,  I laid down for my nightly torture, and asked ”Why have you forsaken me, I thought we had a deal.”   

   Instead of torture that night, the most beautiful experience happened to me; I can still remember and revisit it, to this day. It showed me life as just soul traveling through the universe, without this cumbersome body and a broken mind. Just endless freedom and perfection. The knowledge of that no matter how our life ends, that is what awaits us. Now I truly look forward to getting there and having the glimpse of that took all of my fears away and also my self-pity.

   Things worsened anyhow and I knew my time was coming to an end when my cure showed up and I am grateful, but please understand why I am sharing this with you and revisiting this for the first time in over twelve years.

   The best you can do for anyone is love them, accept them and keep an open door. You cannot fix what you can’t see, what you cannot feel or even understand. A human being can only withstand so much pain and dysfunction and to know that it will only get worse, suicide can be the most logical and humane answer to their situation.

   Please realize the years and decades that they have tolerated this torture in order not to hurt the people that they love, but you couldn’t help them, no one could and the pain had to stop. And, no that isn’t a cowards way out, You have no idea how long and strong they’ve fought, just not to disappoint you. Please let them fly, with your blessing.

Thanks and so much love –DC

P.S. This is what cured me if anyone’s interested https://dcandco.net/ibo.htm